Worth the Pain and Hurting

It would be an understatement to say that I was more unhappy with this half of the tour...Since I came back from R&R, that is...Than I was to originally come out here. I was warned that this half would be worse...Especially the first month to six weeks. I can see why. Everything irritates me more than normal. I am fed up with the weather...(Which has taken a 180 degree turn from when I first arrives in country by the way...It is now cold and rainy...Yes rainy.). I hate the the way that even though nothing has changed, everything seems different somehow. And worst of all...I have been back in country about a week and it seems like it's been month.

Beyond that, my kids seem to be having a harder time this time around than the first. At least that is the impression I am getting from home. My daughter especially. I think it is because she is older...At the age now where things like Daddy not being around makes more sense...And she gets that something is not right. She, and my Son, will be fine...I know...But it makes it hard when I hear them crying over the phone and there is nothing I can do to help.

I miss my wife more than I thought...Earlier than I thought. That sounds bad, I know...But in our situation, we learn to deal with being apart. Yes, we miss each other when we are separated, but we learn to live with it as part of our lives. This time, though...I don't know...I just really feel like part of me stayed back in Maryland...And it hurts. I can't wait for June...To be back with her.

And this brings me to my next point...When I get back, it is going to be a busy time. It will be the summer time and my wife and the kids will be on vacation. (She's a teacher, and they're...Well...Kids...It's summer time after all.) I intend to take as much leave as my unit will let me. I will have a lot of time to make up with my family. Shortly after I get back my wife and I are scheduled to go to a friend's wedding...In the Outer Banks, North Carolina...At the beach.

My wife has gone into "I need a Wedding at the Beach body" diet and exercise mode. She is my absolute hero when it comes to the dedication she displays when she puts her mind to her diet and exercise. Mostly because when it comes to that, I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

However...She has inspired me to get my hind quarters in gear and get back into the gym. If you have been reading this series for a while you will know that I made a comment a while back about those people that spend all their spare time in the gym and counting their caloric intake to the seventeenth decimal place. I am NOT one of those guys. I have decided, though, to get back into the gym on a more regular basis.

I used to go to the gym regularly. I worked twelve hour shifts when I was stationed in Denver, and we were given two hours during each shift to work out. I would go with my friend and we would actually have a decent workout. I looked pretty decent. Then I became a recruiter and they expected me to work 18 hour days and then work out on my own time...Yeah, right! Then I pretty much came straight over here...And I have not been as motivated to go to the gym here either.

I think it was the low pressure atmosphere of having that work out buddy in Denver...Coupled with the friendly competition we provided each other...That made it seem less like a chore and more like just hanging out. I don't have that anymore...And it has effected my motivation to go.

My room mate...All five feet two inches of him...(You're my boy, Rhino...You know Damn Right.)...IS one of those guys that lives and breaths the gym. He is one of those people that likes to pick up heavy things and make himself look all swollen and bumpy...Like he has a glandular problem. So I asked for his help. He was more than happy to set me up on a program.

This is what I told him...As far as what I was willing to put into this venture: "I don't want to spend more than an hour in the gym at one time...And I don't think I can stop eating all the junk I eat...Make me look like that guy on the cover of Men's Health."

He laughed.

Then he asked me what I really wanted to look like. I told him that I DID NOT want to continue looking like I USED to be in shape. Honestly, I am not that bad off...But I do have what I like to call my "hubby tummy," and I have lost a lot of the definition I used to have when I was 21. But who hasn't, right? Right.

SO...We determined that I need was to tone down, add a little bit of upper body bulk, and sculpt. He said he would jot down what I should do in the gym to get started. When he was done, he handed me a notebook, the first TWO WHOLE PAGES of which were filled out with words like "Press...Curl...Reps...And sets." I calmed down after I realized he had just given me a week's worth of workouts at once.

So, it was off to bed to get some rest so that I was refreshed for my work out in the morning. I woke up at about 3:15... Which for me is good and bad. Bad, because I don't sleep through the night. Good, because that happens to be the perfect time to call the kids and say good night.

So I did.

After a few minutes on the phone it was back to sleep. My room mate got up at his usual time...4:30 A.M. and went to the gym. He came back and got ready for work. As he left, I rolled over and forced myself to sit up. I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I stopped going to the gym...I love to sleep.

I got up, though, and went. I did the work out he gave me. I hate him.

It's not that it was a tough work out...It is a basic "getting back into shape" routine. It's just that I am so far "OUT" of the shape I used to be in...It's going to take some time.

My muscles actually yelled at me this morning. I remembered that I don't like trying to pick up things that are so heavy they cause me to make silly faces as I lift them. I remembered how much I hate to sweat. I also remembered that I have very white legs...(hey, I'm not the one who said "I've got a great idea...Let's put mirrors on ALL the walls of the gym so no matter where you look you can see all the flaws you are trying to get rid of from MULTIPLE ANGLES!!!!!). The paleness can't change in the gym, HOWEVER it IS noticeable...But that will be changed when the weather gets warmer and I can get back to the pool...Swimming is a great workout.

I guess another reason I stopped going to the gym was that I have quite a poor image of myself. I still see that gawky kid with the two different colored shoes who, when it was time to pick teams in gym class used to get picked after the chess club kids and the guy who wore a helmet in the lunch line every time I look in the mirror.
And, as stated the gym is a masochistic and twisted 'hall of mirrors' with sweat. But this was going to make me feel better...Right?

Ah...The price of beauty.

I know what the end result is going to be, though and it actually is helping me have something else to focus on instead of how much I hate being here. I actually love how I feel after a good workout...(at least immediately after...I am going to hate how sore I am in the morning.)...And I want to not be embarrassed when we go to the beach this summer.

So...It is not an ideal situation. My kids are sad that I am gone, I am not happy...And generally it is a daily countdown until I get to go home again. I am trying to get out of this funk that i have been in since I got back, and I think I have found one distraction that makes me feel good and is good for me. It has given me a goal to work towards...And I hope to impress my wife when I get back, since she is my inspiration. (As is the never fading image of my own pasty white legs...Yuck...)

I just hope when I get back, that it is all worth the Pain and Hurting.

SFC NEWMAN
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