Part of Something Bigger

I hate arrogance, and I don't like to consider myself arrogant. It is ironic that I say that, considering that the night my wife and I met, she thought I was an "Arrogant Ass" from the moment she saw me...without actually talking to me. It was the way I walked, she said...I say it was because at the time...I was perfect. But, that is neither here nor there.

What I hate is true, from the core, arrogance. For anyone to believe that they are better than anyone else really gets under my skin. I like to think that everyone has something about them that makes them stand out. And I hate it when people think that I am arrogant. (I got over my wife thinking it...obviously.)

That being said...sometimes it is OK to have a big head. "How contradicting," I hear you say. No. Trust me...I will explain. But trust me...it is completely acceptable.

In my life, I play many roles, or 'wear many hats,' if you will. I am a husband and a father. I am a soldier. I am a teacher and mentor. I am an example. I am the voice of reason. I am a son, and a brother. And I love being all of these things. At times, however, it gets difficult to be any one of them...let alone all of them.

About four and a half months ago, I did the hardest thing in my life. I left my family to come over to a foreign country and fight for what I believe in. Who ever thought that in order to do fight for something like that, I would have to leave everything I had ever fought for behind? But I did, and I was comfortable with it because I know I married one of the strongest women I have ever met. Everything would be OK even though I wasn't there.

Now let me tell you about my wife. She is the only woman on the planet that knows how to deal with me...and does. This fact alone makes her strong. She has a Master's Degree, and is a teacher. This fact makes her one of the smartest people I have ever known. She is the mother to my children. She knows how to handle a temper tantrum...picky eating habits...and sibling rivalry all at once (and often those are MY issues...not the kids.) Basically, she is Wonder Woman, Super Girl, Donna Reed, and June Cleaver all rolled into one.

And don't get me started on how beautiful she is. I consider myself absolutely blessed that I have found her and have her in my life. She has a smile that will stop traffic. Her face is like a fairytale Princess. She has the most gorgeous eyes that I have ever seen...It's like I can see heaven when I look into her eyes and I never want to leave. A simple glance from her sends my heart soaring to the highest heavens.

So as you can see, she has many roles as well...(excuse the digression, but once I get started about my wife...and how much she means to me, it is hard to stop.) I was talking about her strength and how she can handle life while I am gone.

As I have said before, I live for the phone calls home. They aren't always what we would hope they would be, though. I inevitably call at the worst times...when she just stepped into the shower...when she is trying to pay for something in a checkout line...when she is trying to buckle the kids into their car seats and go over to Grandma's house...when my Son just jumped through the window and fell the two stories down just so he could get to the playground quicker...you know, little things that make a phone call seem a bit inconvenient at the time.

The hard part for me is when I call and she is having a BAD DAY, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it...becasuse I am here and I left them there to deal with things. Why this frustrates me so much is because I am the "Mr. Fixit" type of personality. What I mean by that is that if there is something wrong, I am the one that tries to get in there and fix it as quickly as possible. So, imagine how I feel when I not only can do nothing about it...but feel like my being gone is even just a small part of the problem. IT KILLS ME!!! I do my best not to let it bother me and show through over the phone...becasue, like I said...they are doing a great job.

One of my other roles is the teacher/Mentor/Leader for the soldiers out here. I see myself as an example to them, and I hope that I set a good one. I try to always do the right thing, and challenge them to explore themselves and see if they are the best they can be. I try to show through my actions that as bad as it may seem out here, we need to stay positive...because a negative attitude out here, honestly, only makes it worse.

I had a soldier come to me the other day expressing how tired they were of being here. How they were "So ready to be home." They began to get emotional, and I could see in their eyes that they meant it from the heart. I had to push my similar feelings aside and reassure them that it could be worse...and that we had to remain positive or we could go crazy. (All of this, even though I was tempted to offer splitting the cost of a one way ticket on the first flight out of Baghdad with them.)

I am also the senior enlisted Intelligence person in the section in which I work. My team and I support Operations throughout all of Iraq. If you recall back to about three and a half months ago, you will remember that I lost one of my Soldiers. That was very hard for me, and I wanted so badly just to shut down and hate everything that contributed to the loss of such a brilliant young man at such a young age. But I couldn't. I had to continue to push through that pain, and focus on this mission. I had to hold it together for his mother when I called, and I had to hold it together to show my soldiers out here that even though we grieve and mourn each loss...we can never lose focus.

Then something occurred to me, the other day after one of those phone calls that was just very ill timed. (I believe my Son had just completed contruction on a full scale city made out of every item in our pantry, and my daughter had decided to place every item of clothing that she owned in the bathtub to wash them...or something along those lines...my details may be fuzzy...and exaggerated.) but it definitely was not a good time for me to call.

I asked myself a question. Who does the guy who is there for everyone else go to, when he needs to vent and get stuff off his chest and complain that he hates it here and that he wants every phone call home to be like Christmas for his family? With a bit of a chuckle I realized that I don't have that luxury out here. The answer is that my rock, my foundation...My wife is the one that I go to with all that. The one woman that doesn't let me get away with being weak...is the one I go to for a good heartfelt tantrum.

But as that thought solidified in my mind, another began to build on it. As much as I need her...though I am the "Strong, Keep it together" guy that I am...she needs me too. YES, she is strong and an amazing woman...and she can do all of the parenting and living without me over there. But we are our best when we are together. I'm sure that some women are saying that a woman doesn't NEED a man. That may be true, but when you have discovered that your life is only part of something bigger...you realize that you are at your best when you have the rest of it with you. In this case, my wife and I...while each strong in our own right...are better together than apart.

So, I gave it some time...and I called back. She can tell when something is not right...she's good like that. And I let it all out. I told her about my fears, and my frustrations, because in the end, even the strongest person needs someone to lean on every now and then.

I feel no shame in admitting that I need her. And it is with nothing but pride that I see all the different roles we play in each others lives as well as the lives of those around us. I see it all...(the frustration, and the ability to deal with it...as well as what we teach and learn from each other)...as proof that I am better off as part of something bigger.

I love you, Princess.

SFC NEWMAN
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