It's all I've got

Separation is not an easy thing. As kids, we go through the anxiety of being separated from Mommy and Daddy when we are dropped off at the daycare or school for the first time. There is a bit of trepidation the first time Junior goes off to summer camp...(Both on the Parent's and Junior's part.) I frequently feel a bit of abandonment if I am prematurely separated from my plate full of Enchiladas.

The question then arises, when we are forced to separate from those we love (and yes...I do love my Enchiladas with a special part of my heart...) how do we find ways to cope? The kids at day care make new friends and find out what their interests are. Junior discovers that the outdoors are not too bad, and he happens to be pretty good at archery (or decoupage...depending on what type of camp he went to...).

One of the things that I have found that people do here is find something to cling to. There is the attempt to maintain some semblance of normalcy. Everyone out here latches on to something to keep themselves busy, sane, entertained, or whatever...but everyone has something.

I've seen people throw themselves into the work, whole heartedly and devote every minute they are awake to the job. I've also seen those same people begin to burn out after only a month. The idea of working constantly to make the time go by faster is pretty popular, though hard to maintain.

One of the guys out here was very adamant about having the same day and time off every week, so that he could talk to some girls he met online. To take that concept a step further, I have seen some of the people out here seem to treat this place like the set of the dating game. (Wearing a short denim skirt and lowcut pink top to the DINING FACILITY in a COMBAT ZONE is completely unnecessary and makes one look what I like to call "DESPERATE.") But...they need something to cling to and if that something is another person...well so be it.

There are those who find their place in the gym. Any time off is spent lifting obscene amounts of weight and then putting it back down...(I wouldn't mind lifting weights if they weren't so heavy.) There are others who will take to the track at noon, in the heat of the day to do a "quick few miles." (apparently they have too much fluid in their systems and they need to sweat it all out at one time.) Still others will go the aerobic route and take one of the multitude of classes offered here...step, aerobics, water aerobics, belly dancing, etc.

All these things serve the same basic purpose. Distraction. There is a lot of stress in a place like this and a guy can go pretty nuts if doesn't find something to take his mind off of it...even if for just a little while.

It is hard sometimes to want to keep going. I have a couple of friends out here from places I've served before. One of my best friends from Denver is here as well. He is going home soon...in about three months. When I asked him about how he was doing, he had this to say:

"This deployment has cemented my feelings for my wife in the same way that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' but it has been so hard to function with this constant feeling of something missing. You know how hard it is to be "Millitary Man" seven days a week, but usually you can look into the sweet innocent eyes of your 'lil 'uns and know why you do it. You can get a hug from your honey and it gives you the strength to straighten your shoulders and face the world. The knowledge that they are taken care of and all you have to do is survive one more day is easier when you can actually see them. Being away from my family has been one of the hardest things I have ever been through, and I feel it in my heart. They are the reason my soul is able to fly so high they are my life. The army has taken me from every good thing in my life and expected me to function with no mistakes. I have been able to do that for the last nine months, and I have no doubt that I can continue doing it for the next three…but I feel like I have aged a decade in the last few months. I feel myself losing the joy that I normally hold close to me. I live through this hell for the future joy, and that is no way for a man to live for very long. After a time the vision of the future joy is too hard to picture and all you have to hold you up the is now that seems to want nothing more than to see you falter. This has been harder than I expected, and I hope that you fare better than I have."

So...What have I found to cling to? That is simple...tomorrow. The gift of tomorrow brings many things for me. Any time someone here asks how I'm doing I answer them, "It's a good day...I woke up." That simple statement says a lot. You're not guaranteed to wake up no matter where you are in the world...but the odds here are a bit less in your favor.

With the fact that I have that tomorrow comes the fact that I am one day closer to leaving here. That is good, because I find every aspect of this place miserable. From the weather, to the smell, to the hours I work. I don't think I can leave soon enough.

There is a little Microsoft Excel program that a lot of us have here that counts down the time we have left. It shows a pie chart comparing 'time served' to time left. I have a picture of the Palace I work in as my 'time left' picture...and one of my family as the 'time served.' Every day the Palace gets smaller and my family bigger (The pictures at least...I hope if my family gets bigger my wife waits till I'm home to help facilitate that process...)

I know they are missing me as well...I just talked to my wife tonight and she told me about a 'family barbecue' event that happened recently. They went, the wife and kids, but she said (with tears in her eyes...and her voice) that it just isn't the same without me there. They continue to function and live their lives without me...but only out of neccessity.

And that boils it down to the base of what I cling to...my family. They are the reason I get up every day and come to work. I cling to the thought of my kids in my arms. I dream about my wife by my side. It may not seem to you to be so exciting as trying to find a new date...or seeking the golden Idol of the Ultimate Body in the temple of the Gym...but they are my everything...and in this hell hole...it's all I've got.

SFC NEWMAN
OUT